Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Please Pass the Catsup

Dear President Obama,

I know you are busy with your presidential duties and all, but I felt a “Thank You” was in order.  I just read in the newspaper that you recently took action to protect me from Mexican tomato growers.  I had a hunch those Mexicans were up to no good.  Let’s see if I get the story right, as I’d hate to malign the facts when writing to the President of the United States of America.

If I recall correctly, pesky and dangerous Mexican tomato farmers were maliciously flooding American grocery stores with cheap tomatoes.  I even read reports that some Mexican farmers were selling tomatoes to Americans at a loss.  Gasp!  The nerve of these people.  I’m so glad we have a President who won’t stand idly by while Americans tomato consumers are paying dirt-cheap prices for tomatoes.

Today, you put a stop to this nonsense by raising tariffs on these Mexican evildoers – tariffs that will, thankfully, increase the price of tomatoes.  I’m so grateful that I can now, with a proud smile on my face, purchase tomatoes at a much higher price.  Confidentially, I must also confess that spending so little on those tomatoes had the most unfortunate consequence of freeing up money in other areas of my budget.  Thanks to you sir, I don’t have that worry any more.

So, on behalf of a grateful nation of 300 million tomato consumers, I thank you for affording us the privilege of paying more (way more!) for our tomatoes.  Oh, and by the way: thanks for taking action on those pesky and dangerous Chinese tire makers.  My local tire store owner told me the ChiComs were doing the same thing as the Mexicans, only with tires.  Damn these people for selling us so many goods at such cheap prices! 

You know, Mr. President, perhaps one day, to truly benefit all American consumers, you can simply put an end to trading – period.  This free-trade crap is bad stuff – that is, allowing Americans to pay cheap prices for imported goods.  It’s ruining our economy.  I have a wonderful idea!  Instead of trade, which we both agree is bad since it gives Americans access to cheap imported goods, let’s hearken back to the good ole days and just make our own stuff.  Why trade at all when we can grow our own food, sew our own clothes, and build our own houses?!  Yes!  We’ll have full employment and a booming economy!  Let’s name your new legislation The Freeing Americans from the Ravages of Trade or FART Act.

With warm regards, 

Brad D.

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